Don't Fall Into Silence

Every day you age and every day you fail.

2012-01-22T13:19:00.000-08:00

I haven't really posted anything serious on here for awhile. And I'm not sure if I intend to do so today or not. Today is more of a casual laugh at my past. I have been reading my blog the past few days and I just can't help but scoff at my "strife". I don't know myself as well as I should and for each day that passes I fall farther behind and the trail gets longer.
Some of the harsh truths I seem to realize from re-reading these posts are hard to swallow. I realize now just how desperate I am for both companionship and solitude. In my mind I believe things would be easier if I were all on my own. Being on my own I could achieve my dreams and get to where I need to be to have the companionship I so desire. But in my heart, every waking moment without another person by my side is a gap between happiness and sheer joy. When I lack love, I lust after it or I chase it by doing something spontaneous and foolish. Henry was my true show of that. In the depths of sorrow and self pity, I captured him for my comfort and, though I have doted on him, I know I wasn't ready for him and that I could have very well ruined both of our lives with my whimsical heart. And that was not my first or last heart-attack (as I so dub my foolish love adventures). But I pushed this one to it's envelope...and everything worked out, as everything in life always does. Something I never really believed, but this time i didn't give up and it proved true. I can't help but regret not trusting that in the past, because if I had known that everything would always work itself out, I would have stayed as long as I could with the ones that I loved. I wouldn't have feared my ineptitude. I might have even started to trust myself. But it wasn't until Henry that I truly believed that and I am relieved that I discovered it with Henry instead of my usual prey...
Men.
Which is a large and poorly scripted part of my life that I wish I could rip out of my biography. There was a point right after high school when I discovered something that changed my whole mind set. I used to be so interested in the world, the way it worked, the future, God and religion and how I fit in. There used to be so much mystery in the world to me. But when I thought it through, I realized that the reason for our existence is love. We were born for it and family is the ultimate purpose of that love. It explains everything and embodies everything. And the things I was doing were pushing that very purpose away (not that I remedied that with anything I changed or did...in fact only made it worse). I decided I would change and get my life straight and start believing in love.
I wasn't ready for love.
I got my life in order and I fell in love, but I never could believe in it. It's really hard for me to trust anyone...or even myself. I could never trust Jeremy. Kent scared the sh*t out of me, he could see me and he seemed to know me better than I knew myself...and he still loved me. With all my faults, the ones he glazed over, I couldn't love myself so how would he ever stay in love with me. I couldn't do right by him, I made one mistake after another and did things I knew I wasn't ready for because I loved him and I wanted everything we could be in that moment. He was so still in his life, a rock on the side of the road that was in-between destinations and he was perfectly happy as such. Changing was foreign to him and he refused to round his corners and roll out to his sunset rather he would wait for it to reach him. He was always there. Always there for me. I came to trust that....and in the end....that's what drove me away. I depended on him and that and when things came up that threatened to move me from his rock a fear crept inside of me, I couldn't loose him, but if something happened...I could trust that everything would work out...or I could run away. I trusted Kent, but I couldn't trust myself not to mention God.
So I ran, without giving him a good reason or even really a reason at all. I spilled out concerns and age old nitpicks. But I only loved one third of the relationship. I loved him. I didn't love God or myself. And there was nothing he could do or was doing to change that. My relationship with him had pushed me out of that order and not in a good way. Not in a way I could handle and not in a way I could trust. I couldn't lean on myself or on God. All I had was him...I was dependent on only him...and that wasn't enough.
I love being self sufficient and I hate being dependent. But I am certainly not in control of myself and my life, leaving me dependent. Yet, I refuse dependence whenever possible. All of this leaves me in this no-man's-land that is getting me no where. I see now that I am just a selfish dependent as the combination. An ugly urgul-like morphing that leaves me ashamed of everything I do.
These last few years have been just such. A prolonged pity party, where all of the rage-cooked meat is gone and all that is left is the twice-too-sour lemonade. The guests have either left, are leaving or are sitting in the corner shaking their heads waiting for me to push them out myself. I complain about the music, but I never change it and when others try I yell and throw things. I mean, seriously, this is the worst party I've every been too. AND I'M THROWING IT. Sheesh.
(...and this is why I am supposed to write on my blog. This is what I'm supposed to write. This is what DFIS is all about. Never loosing sight of your inner voice. Because, Hey Inner Voice, you are way smarter than the grey beard I've got upstairs. It's like gandalf the grey verses gandalf the white, the latter is clearly better!)
I'm still not ready for love. There are still things I can't understand or refuse to. I still don't completely love myself and I certainly haven't patched up myself with The On High yet. But I'm getting closer and now I trust that things will always work out, no matter how retarded I am. And so why should I keep hiding and waiting. I'm not ready for love in it's fullness, but I can take steps with it. And steps are what I'm taking. Henry was a foolish leap, but it was just enough to give me the faith to take more steps.
I can't have a husband and a family, an amazing realtionship with God and self worth to match myself.
But I don't have to wait to receive them as a bulk package, I can start picking and assembling the pieces.
So here goes.
Wish me luck.
And if there are readers out there, please shout out to my stupid pity posts. I'm sick of this lemonade.

I've Been Busy...and I've Been Loved.

2012-01-20T10:55:00.000-08:00

Is it sad that I only use this blog in extreme situations? In moments of happiness, confusion or fear? I've had so much love in my life recently, that I've been busy and those high emotions I've needed to purge from my system have been released to others instead of here.
I'd say that's a good thing.
I have my Henry (The Love Of My Life!!!), he's grown so big and is still getting bigger. He eats anything you put in your hand and yet, he's only thrown up once. I love him more than anything. But with my job we don't spend enough time together and that bugs me...but oh well, it won't last long.
I also have Jace (My Wonderful Boyfriend). He's been there for me through everything. I don't know how he does it or why he does it, but he always makes me happy. There are no cares in our relationship. No big worries, no fights, no ground. Which is perfect, it's what I needed. Nothing TOO serious, but then again, serious enough. Perfect. I didn't really realize just how much I care for him until he started leaving for Afghanistan. I mean he's still in Texas, but I still feel like I've lost part of him and it hurts. And that's how I know I love him. Sweet pain, the realization of feeling.
I'm going to Mike Birbigs with Beth tonight because of her AWESOME birthday present! :D I'm super excited! He's my favorite comedian at the moment! Can't get enough of his "Sleepwalk With Me"! And now this show is called "My Girlfriends Boyfriend"....YEAH!!! I was like "WAT?!", so it pretty much has to be awesome!
I've just purchased a new domain name for a new project I have in the works. I'll let you in on it once I get it started...not that there is anyone to let it on it. (HI NONEXISTENT READERS!) It's pretty wicked awesome I think. I just have to figure out how to market it. So, like i said, we'll see.
da da dum..
swoosh...
I have nothing else to say...
rawr...
okiday...
well, ttyl...
peace...
take luck...
Love Brdeeds!

Henry!

2011-09-17T16:44:00.000-07:00

PUPPY!

2011-09-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I got a puppy. A mix between a black laband…something else, lol! The lady at Petsmart would remember. I used my paycheck to buy him for $100. I know, I know. I’m in debt. Lots of it. Some $2,800and yet, if I didn’t get him, I don’t think I would ever make it to repayingthat. I could have scrimped and saved and got a pet after I was financiallysecure, that would make so much more sense. But when I saw the puppies for salesign on the corner across the street from petsmart on my way to walmart to cashmy pay check for a measly $180 I knew that no matter what they looked like, nomatter the cost, I was going to get a puppy today. I was pregnant in my heartand I knew that no matter what came out of it, I would love it to the ends ofthe earth. I need this puppy, thisco-dependent love, this happiness. I’ve been running myself into the groundwith doubt and fear, not caring what happens to me. Now I have a baby, a lovethat I can’t let down, no matter how much I hate myself. I need to support him,get him his shots and food, take him out so he can see the world and all of itswonders because he’s still young andcurious and doesn’t know everything yet. He’s learning. Maybe I’ll learn fromhim. I already promised him we were going to San Francisco. :P And I can’twait. We’ll go to moab together next year for sure. Who knows we might even gosomewhere this fall. I’m going to make things work for him. Beth and her familyare perfect for teaching me how to take care of him and train him. But soonwe’re going to want a place of our own. Or maybe a roommate….Jace? I can’t waitfor him to see him! I’m going to trip him up and tell him that I was pregnantand that I miscarried and had a puppy instead of a baby. ^_^ It’ll behilarious! I can’t wait! FOR THIS FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, I CAN’T WAIT FORSOMETHING OUT OF EXCITEMENT! :D I just want to drive up to his house right nowand exclaim my happiness!

I still don’t know what to name him? He has a bit of red inhim, and the guy at the pet store at the check out desk said I should name himRupert….and I kinda like it. But I don’t know if it fits him. Maybe Wash? LOL!I like the name wash, it kinda fits him. Simon wouldn’t work. I like Daniel aswell, but then I’d call him danny or something and that reminds me of mygrandpa…so obviously, no! Let’s think…which is hard since he’s crying from hiskennel. I don’t know if I’ll make it through the night. I keep wondering if hispaw is stuck or something and I want to check but if I check and it’s not he’llcry even more when I leave him in there. LHe’s going to make me cry. He just stopped. But he does that intermittently.So, names.

1. Kafree? WC

2. Mossie? WC

3. Rupert? HP

4. Nathan? MIS

5. Junior? ROD

6. Ethan? C.A.D.

7. GEORGE! Geo for short!!! :D :P ?

I kinda like the last one. My laptops name is George. Lol! Iname everything George when I don’t know what to name it….but I LOVE GEO! :D Ithink it fits. :P But we’ll see.

One Again

2011-09-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

She had gone through the basement and was already out intothe forest, I could see her heart beating through her face, the branchesholding me back from helping to slow it back into her chest. “I can’t make it,”I cried down to her from my prison above. The deck of the house was surroundedby purposefully formed trees that created a primitive boundary to the forest below.“You have to jump!” I called back in desperation, “He’s coming! He’ll never letyou go!” If she didn’t come down, I would never see her again. For this reasonI couldn’t run, I couldn’t live without her, she was my life; imprisonment wasworth her touch. “It’s too far,” the words were as butterflies gassed in flightwith only screams escaping their lips as they fell. My fear permeated into thefence of trees and caused their limbs to twist around my body, chaining me tothe height and to my hopelessness. “BBRIGGITTA!” I elongated her name, prayingthat it would bridge the way between us and create a rope of hope for her toclimb down.

It was too late.

His frame cut a new one within that of the door. The breadthof light between the two was too small to slip through. His figure taunted mewith its mortality as though that very fact made him just as fragile as I was,as though humanity was a natural part of him. Time had stopped and so had hisyouthful aging. The old man from the house was now the man in flesh that I hadknown, a nineteen year old wall, but his thoughts were still trapped ahead. Hewas no longer a wall of protection, but one of entrapment. For some reason thisis where he felt most secure, back in this body and 1940’s architecture. Thequestion was, what did this security do to his power? Would this make him stronger?Would he win?

There was no strength put into his surroundings now, it wasall directed to his steps. Those slow calculated steps toward me forced safetycloser and closer to me, until the only safety’s only refuge was within myself,a shield I would have to wield as a sword in order to escape. But I didn’t haveher strength, her faith or her love with me and so I lowered myself behind theshield and prepared myself for the first blow. “STAY AWAY FROM HER!” Brigittacalled down from the tree, “IT’S ME YOU WANT!” Brigitta was taunting him withher sincerity and beauty, the qualities he always praised. His altered gazeprovided the perfect distraction, I could disappear, but there was no way toher, there was only the way behind me without her. So I dropped my shield,facing the army of man in front of me with a smirk, for even through thetorture I would keep her safe. He would never touch her. She was the one thinghe couldn’t scare out, buy out or love out. She was mine.

His form shifted into readiness for attack.

She jumped…

From the topmost tower of trust and landed safely in myarms. Her love so strong it forced him back with more strength than any shield.I embraced her until she was absorbed back into me and away from his grasp. Shewas back inside of me and the moment rushed everything back to reality, hismagic had failed.

Yet, he still stood above me in triumph as though he had thekey to the happiness inside of myself.

Little did he know that I had changed the locks, he wouldnever touch me again….

her again….

brigitta again….

myself.

…

He had one.

Won the one, he had me.

I could hide her all I wanted, buthe saw through my face and into the windows of my soul.

He had her.

No key was needed.

I could never lock her away without windows.

And windows are open doors.

“Brigitta?” she whimpered from inside of me.

“Hush love,” I reassured her through my tears, “We are oneagain.”

-oOo-

The realization of insanity is death in it’s most brutalform. It’s nothing you can change or help that completely removes that personfrom your known reality, replacing them with an alien-like parasite that youcannot even begin to understand. Yet, you know that somewhere underneath it allis the one you love. You can only have hope that their soul is given the illusionof happiness for they are certainly not given the rest or peace of death. Whendwelling upon others insanity I imagine the soul forced into a room completelyempty of life, love and reality, where they have knowledge that someone elsehas possessed their life and has been given trusting access to all that theylove.

It’s different when you experience it. Insanity is not anabsence of reality, knowledge or love. Insanity is another interpretation ofthe world, feelings and understanding. Both of us are sitting in a room acrossfrom a painting:

You see a man and his cat in a boat fishing with delicateand serene colors of calm and sincerity all captured in a framed and endlessmoment.

I feel waves andwatch my friend on the beach laugh at another falling in the water as the saltair whispers around me insighting blissful invigoration a realistic moment ofemotion and sensation.

We both see the painting, but you interpret the painting andI experience it. It’s another way of understanding a message. I’m not saying itis right…but I’m also not saying it is wrong.

Last night I was insane.

The above is my experience.

As well as the below.

-oOo-

A grandfather version of Kent had chased me all through thetown and as we ran the chase forced his body to revert back to his youngerself, the man I once knew, not in mind but in body. Time was altered by thisevent, moving backwards, as well, to keep from being ripped apart by thisanomaly. And as I trapped myself at the back of this mansion, my very entitysplit into two separate bodies. I was free and yet I still held a piece ofmyself high above that could go no farther, that couldn’t force itself down tomy level and leave all that we had. He knew that from my broken spirit, throughmy eyes, through my hopeless glances at the sky. He knew I wouldn’t leave. Andeven when she gave in and joined me, he could see in my eyes my unwillingnessto leave. My fear. That is why he was triumphant.

But what I didn’t see was that so was I.

I was triumphant.

She had come down to me. We could go anywhere. Scared as Iwas.

And in the end, I left, with my fear and moved past him.

Brigitta, we are strong together, imperfections and limitsincluded.

And though the dream concluded in defeat, life need not.

I love you darling, I will never leave you.

-Brigitta Rae

Horse Tears

2011-09-03T18:10:00.001-07:00

Kent and I were amazing together…he made me happy…I thoughtI made him happy. I wanted to do everything for him, but I never could get itright.

And in the end…I got scared…because I saw our future.

I wanted him, but I didn’t want it.

I could have changed it, I guess…but I would have had togive up my dreams. Things would have been a day to day struggle. And in thatcase, there would have been regret…not necessarily resentment but regret closeenough.

Kent has such a soft spirit: delicate, inviting and flowing.

I would have had to fight for him.

Just like jerry.

I have yet to do that. And now in both cases it is much muchtoo late.

And so I cry…

For that is what you do for the dead.

God give me strength to one day fight for the truth, for thelove and for the dream.

-Brigitta Rae

Music of the post: Get it Right (Glee Cast: Rachel Berry)and Almost Lover (A Fine Frenzy)

Gone

2011-03-30T00:36:00.000-07:00

Blank walls hold no promise. Your mind is what creates the possibilities. And there are no possibilities if you move, moving does nothing. Moving is not change, moving does not create or destroy. The action itself is small and whimsical with fleeting effects. When you pick something up and put it in new place just the same as it was before, you have only halted progression on one road and set it on a path for one leading in the same direction.

My new house is too quiet, I can't sleep. My brothers snoring used to be everything I needed...now I play recordings at night just to feel like I'm not alone. Tonight I'm sleeping back at my parents house so I can share my parents bed with my dog tonight. No one is home, just me and ella. But at least I don't feel as alone as before.

Today was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I wont go into detail, because truthfully, I don't want to remember any of it. But I will tell you that the night ended with crashing into someones mail box and then leaving them my contact information. -sigh- Oh and I kept Kent up as I cried about these pains that I can't even express...

This girl needs to be stronger or softer, she can't stay the way she is.

It would be so easy to run away. Too easy.

So, it's not going to happen.

This is me. I am strong. There is no retreat.

Silence is my crutch...

2011-03-12T22:48:00.001-08:00

Movement, that is what calms me.

This blog is a resentment of my comfort.

Yet, I still misuse it. Time and time again, I have deleted and changed and recreated this blog to be more or less than it should have been. And I feel the urge to do it again. I'm not a hoarder. Not of anything. Things, emotions, people...I let go too easily. Grains of sand sliding between my open fingers...

You think, I should have found out by now just how lonely I am. I know people and they know me, but few truly wish to be around me because they never are. Even while a person is with me, I am alone. My door is never open. I never invite anyone in. So, no one knows what it's like to be with me, together is always just beyond their reach. Not to say that people haven't/don't try. I have love now and heaven knows how he can love me as I watch through painted glass, but somehow he knows what's beyond the missing welcome mat at my front door. He knocks, rings and peaks....and I hide...shut out the lights and pretend I'm not home. This is mostly verbal attempts and connection. Although, sometimes when he's close and he verbally knocks, I physically shut down. I try and forget he's there. I go to the automation room of my brain...it generates answers and feelings and motions....and I lie there in a huddled mess and scream. I don't want to remember anything, I don't want to feel anything, I don't want to say anything, I don't want, I don't want, I don't want.

But I don't look for what I want, I don't look for answers, I don't clean it up so the house can function again. I stare at the thing and try to forget it.

He knows...

he can see the shadows through my walls.

He's there for me.

He's at my front door.

He's waiting.

Why can't I open up?

I don't even talk to myself anymore, I don't discuss my problems or bask in my good fortune. My best friends have become old friends and there are no new ones to take their place...

The world is silent around me except for him.

The world inside is just as quiet...

words are lost to me.

feelings cannot be translated.

something needs to change.

someone needs to change.

me.

pray for me, self...we have some talking to do.

Work Work Work

2010-12-23T02:22:00.000-08:00

I have a job at domino's, currently, and it's about to switch to an assistant manager position. Which is great! I'm excited! Although, I also have a job offer with citi bank.

The pay is exactly the same, they both have great benefits, but the citi position is in layton and the domino's is in salt lake. :/ So, if it came down to it, I'd go with the customer service rep for citi bank. But I'm wondering if I can make my way through two jobs. Ask specifically to be set to certain hours at domino's, nights after 6 for the first 4 weeks and then mornings before 11 for the rest of the time with unlimited access to me on weekends.

That would be amazing! :D :D :D :D I can only imagine, but I will talk with them and see how it goes. I'll probably end up just working at citi, but I love working at dominos. It's a happy place with happy people and customers, it's amazing! I really want to work there, but citi would be so much easier and cheaper. -sigh-

What can I say?

Oh well, what happens is what happens. I've already chosen citi. If dominos will help me find a way for them to keep me, I will be OVERJOYED! ECSTATIC! ELATED! ^_^

I'll wish and pray for such an occurance. I'll beg my manager and see what I can get away with.

Send me luck,

-Brdeeds

wonderings

2010-12-21T16:55:00.000-08:00

Is it right to dream when you have no drive?

Should one want when one does not reach?

Some things are freely given to the passive.

But many things are often hidden.

Is it child abuse to conjure a wish and then leave it as only that?

Does one kill an angel each time one does not catch the dream they shot down?

Ah, sweet pain. How I've missed your tender scars.

2010-12-13T00:37:00.000-08:00

Part One:

Random Quote from the archives time!
"eat me alive or steal my soul. i don't care the stories i'm told. i love you. i need you. if it's part of the deal. steal my life and send me to hell." -BRT

A seemingly random post from Jeremy today, which of course. I was no where near ready for. To say, I've put him from my mind is entirely false. I've trained myself. I still receive all of his updates. I still check his page. I smile at his pictures. Laugh at his jokes. But I consider him a friend. Only that. I have not forgotten him, for I feared the day would come that the ghost would appear and his face would cause a shock beyond reckoning. Kent has been the only thing keeping me from falling again and slipping down that torturous slide to the chasm of emotion below.

Kent seems to bring out the best in everything. A photo is merely a swash of colors without his face in it. I love him. I know that. I can feel it with every movement of air and grumble of earth. And we can be happy together. We can be a perfect something. A mix of flavors so inviting that the world would watch it mouth-watering wonder.

But, Jeremy isn't gone.

I get a big smile whenever I look at a picture of him and a girl. With that smile, paying close attention to the eyes I know so well, I can tell he's happy. And that makes me happy. I read his posts and they make me happy. The jokes, sarcasm and interests. It's nice to know.

He was a big part of my life. Which means he still is. And I don't care how he's happy. Just as long as he is happy. Which he'll always be happy because that's who he is. But still...it matters...which is good.

I had a different..maybe even still have...love for Jeremy Bradford. The butterflies, poetry-in-action, chase-to-the-ends-of-the-earth sort of fantasy love. And maybe all it is, as Beth believes, a fantasy. A dream I made up to feel something. To have something to dream of, hope for and go after. Perhaps none of it was real. The problem is, real or not, it was powerful. It was mountain moving, heart racing, world challengingly powerful.

Today I was reminded of just how much control it had...has...over me. He posted the quote above and I received the information earlier in the day, but ignored it. Seeing as I only got the first line through text message. Later as I was talking on the phone with Kent, I pulled up facebook and there it was. Standing out in the open. At first I was fine. Then the phone dropped. Rapid breathing. Kent was still there, I couldn't hear him. Nothing was coming out of the phone. The world was silent. Nothing made noise. All I wanted in that moment was noise. Like when you wake before your body, you can't move, you can't see and you can do is breathe. I needed something to touch me. Someone to move. Something to wake me.

"Kent, I've gotta go."

And I hung up.

And Beth's voice miraculously rang through.

But words still wouldn't come. They wouldn't break through the wall of guilt. pain. sorrow. memories. So, she came. Like best friends do, she ran to my side in the middle of the night.

Hands raked over my skin. Pulling, scratching, prodding. Reminding me that I still had this world to live in. I had the world with the wonderful boyfriend who wants me marry me. The best friend who stands by all my crazy plans. The family that holds me no matter how I come back. The reachable dreams and inspiring goals. The two mattressed bed. The eyeless room.

The hair on my head became a lifeline to the new memories. The new reasons to dream.

All my own. All natural hair. None of it dyed, permed or changed in any way.

The past has been cut off. This was new. This was me.

It hurt to hang on.

I pushed my feet against the sides of the spiral.

I wouldn't go down. Not without a fight.

Prayers with clenched fists and glances of trust.

Not enough.

"Our love is a dead, an angel, a ghost,

Something to bury and treasure at most,

It died the day I saw that smile.

Ignored I sat there, lonely awhile."

-10/27/2010

There was only room for one in my heart. And each day that smile came with love, with hope and with care. It followed me, I tested it. Ran every catch, every change and every possible mistake. We would make it. I knew we could and we would, no matter what.

It's love.

But I forgot about Jeremy. The test I left in the tube. And the test grew, it roamed and broke out of containment.

Every single emotion came rushing back. The first day I met him, English class. The instant crush. Soccer fields and sitting a top the goal posts. Something I still do when I think about him. The only time I ever saw him cry in front of me. Watching him read the weekly evil. Line tag. Seagulls. Book fair watching him pick up a book and then buying the book later and forgetting to give it to him then finding it years later. Instant message conversations that lasted for hours. The day I decided I loved him. Deleting everything whenever my feelings changed. Running. Dreaming of him. Finding symbols. Aspen trees. Listening to Far Away over and over again to desensitize myself to the song so I could listen to it in public without forgetting to breathe. Forks. Trying to like other guys. Putting effort into weak emotions to dumb down the strong ones. Going away to NUAMES and then realizing...I'd lost him. Dreaming about him every night for almost a year. Fearing love or whatever it was. Knowing I was no where near ready for these feelings and thinking I never could be. Ignoring him. Trying to tell him how I feel, hoping he could make it better. Hoping he could help me understand. Hoping he knew what to do. Writing him poem after poem, story after story, song after song. Walking down the halls at Lakes, seeing his face everywhere and hearing his voice. Singing to a dragonfly and watching it come closer every time I said his name. Dragon wars. Ignoring him at Northridge, making sure there was no connection so I could stand seeing his face everyday. Desperate to love him, but somehow feeling he didn't love me back. Finally believing him. The 801 call I received in Ohio that caused me to hyperventilate. Not knowing what to say when he did respond. Refusing to sleep for 3 days. Not saying anything, not knowing when I'd be back and when he'd be gone. Knowing that even if he did love me, I couldn't keep chasing him. He never called to be together. It felt like something he didn't really want. Feeling like a fall back.

I was shaking.

Watching each acid tear making pathways from my head to my heart.

Containment lost.

No known cure for the virus.

Beth holding me.

Rocking back and forth.

Losing eyesight.

Memories flashing.

Numb yet in agony.

"All wrong for the guy, but good for a laugh."

Jeremy if you ever read this. Know, this isn't your fault. Nor is it anything for you to worry about.

Love hurts. Basic law of physics. Madonna taught me that.

Turtles?

2010-12-04T19:04:00.001-08:00

Amanda has resumed contact.

...

I'm not sure what to think.

But I'm glad.

Getting better at line art....hopefully....

2010-12-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of these sorts of things for fiverr as of late. I get more orders for this than t-shirts. The top image is the first one I ever made for commission and the second is one of my favorites.

I think I'm getting better at this magic act. But who knows, maybe they look really crappy. Either way, people keep paying for them. So, I guess if they're bad at least they're funny. :P Hahaha!

T-shirts and line art. Those are the only two jobs I don't regret getting myself into. ^_^

Why I wait

2010-12-04T06:17:00.000-08:00

The whole reason I started this blog back up was not to "stay out of silence" but rather to be heard. By someone in particular.

And now that doesn't matter anymore.

It's weird.

When something inspires you for so long, it's hard to let go.

I dreamt about that person again last night.

I broke. I crumbled. I fell. I hyperventilated.

In my sleep.

I awoke.

Mad. Frustrated. Annoyed.

Why him? Why now? What does it mean?

I don't believe any dream is without meaning.

All dreams, no matter how bizzare, speak of your thoughts, your wishes and your fears. They are a manifestation of what you really believe and sometimes even who you really are.

This dream, coming at a time like this.

Is unexpected. But warranted.

I'm scared again. I'm wishing. I'm dreaming. I moving. I'm running. Not from, but to. In fact, I'm trying to run with Kent. I'm trying to make something. I'm trying to be something.

I talked to my parents about Kent. It helped. Things aren't nearly as bad.

Last night went well. Better then ever. They didn't say anything until afterward.

Kent seems to think I'm not letting it all out. That I'm holding back. And he is right, I know I am. I know I'm not letting myself love him with my whole. I know I'm hiding feelings. I'm hiding what he really means to me. I'm hiding behind fear.

People accept fear.

It's something hard to hurtle.

It's reasonable.

It would make no sense to him that the only thing I'm hiding is my incompetence. I hold it back, because I don't understand it. I don't see it's purpose. It doesn't mean anything to me.

But it means something to him.

And if I don't let it out soon. If I don't let go, ready or not; I'll loose him.

He's slipping.

Part of me wants him to slip. Part of me wants him to leave me. Part of me wants him to walk away and never look back.

I miss pain. I miss not knowing. I miss searching.

Part of me wants it to hurt.

There is nothing wrong. Nothing to fear. Nothing to cry about. No confusion.

Only my parents disapproval and words seem to provide any hurt.

But I know they love me.

I know they only want what's best. And I love them.

And nothing is ever that bad. Just like Kent said.

He hasn't seen it, but it's not that bad.

It's just disapproval.

It's just words and actions.

In the long run, they mean nothing.

In the long run, I wont care anymore.

But I believe I let it affect me, because I want to hurt.

It's suddenly hard to live without.

It's been a motivator for so long.

Hopelessness and frustration were the reasons to run and to leap.

Now, nothing is holding me back.

So, I'm doing it for myself.

I don't think I can accept things being so easy.

Ha! I've come to correlate love with pain.

How typical.

-sigh-

I need to move on.

This can no longer be the case for me.

I'm done experimenting on Kent.

Heck, I don't care anymore. IF something goes wrong, it goes wrong and I'll deal with it then. I'm going to stop looking for all the problems, all the maybes and all the threats. I'm through with chasing heartache.

I don't care anymore.

I love him.

Heaven knows how I love him.

But I do.

The only one who has ever matched the passion.

He knows me all too well.

He knows (sort of) my fears.

My weaknesses.

My dreams.

My needs.

My heart.

He challenges me. He has an opinion that involves research. He cares. He thinks. He wonders. He creates. He dreams. He wishes. His poetry sways me. His songs control me. Words that have a deeper meaning. Thoughts that go beyond the face. He sees art in such a different way. The lines of a painting drag him in a current that I can only imagine. He draws and paints in that same way. The other day I criticized it with my tired ignorance and hurt. But he is amazing. I didn't see it at first. Just like many things about him. But even there, there is something hidden. He puts himself into what he does. He understands himself. He knows himself...like so few people do. He understands the world. He understands purpose. He believes. He is invigorating. He is inspiring. He finds truth in the oddest places. And can twist away the coverings of any mystery. He is Kent Winfield Redford. And nothing is out of his grasp.

"I love him, I love him...I looooove him"

And there is nothing else that matters.

Kent comes first.

Life comes because of him.

Dreams come from him.

Actions come for him.

Death comes to him last.

dreams decide nothing

2010-09-07T10:20:00.001-07:00

I have a boyfriend now and yet, I still dream about him. Last night was the first time I kissed him in a dream. Everyone thought I was running from the law and I got caught hiding out with beth in nana's house. I was kept in a library for awhile with one gaurd. For some reason Jeremy and his college class were there. That's when I knew that was the last thing I had to do. Kiss him. He started leaving so I chased him down to some bus. I reached up and tried to kiss him, only to land half way on his check. Then I told him that I had been caught, that I was going to die and we actually kissed. Once. Short and sweet. But beautiful and perfect.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. It was a dream. But so real.

Avoidance.

2010-08-27T02:09:00.000-07:00

Who knows what's going on and who really cares?

Anyone?

Naw, me either.

Somehow someone convinced me that Jerry just isn't the one. Which is good. Great. Especially since I was convinced through the cushion that I am his fall-back. That he's really out there for something else. And suddenly, when it was his choice. I was all too happy to accept it. I don't think I ever really could accept his love, real or not.

I don't know why we stopped talking. We just did. We hung out, once. But I think it was the notes that pushed it over. We haven't really spoken much since then. Then again....we never really did talk.

-_- meh.

Maybe one day I'll relapse, but for now. I'm free. Completely and totally. No regrets. Parked feet.

But does that clear up boy drama? OH HECK TO THE NO!

I really put no effort toward liking someone. And that's my problem. Most of the guys that come after me, I'm not interested in. Most of the guys I'm interested in, I have to go after...which pretty much means they're not interested. So obviously, there is something wrong with the advertising. Which means I have to pay attention. Which means facades. Which means...blech. Boredom. Maybe I just don't know what I want. lol. Compromise.

Ramble ramble ramble. boys suck. i like this guy. i like this other guy. ramble ramble. this guys cool. blah blah blah blah blah. i don't know what to do. yadda yadda yadda. why am I even worrying about this stuff at my age. ppppppfffftttt...blah yadda ramble wtvr.

Now that I've thinned the crowd....not that there is one. But if there ever is one....yeah.

I want to start writing again. I've put it off. Ever since Chicago. I haven't been able to write worth crap. NaNoWriMo is coming up soon and I am not at all prepared. I've been trying to write little by little, but it keeps coming up as garbledygoop. Nothing is working the way it should. It's not like jumping back on a bike. It's like calc class five years ago. There ain't nothing coming to ya.

BOV is at a stand still. Any work I attempt ends in disaster. I can't write anymore.

There is nothing there. No raw material to work with. No inspiration.

It's an extreme writers block.

So, I'm blogging. Everyday. No matter what. And we're going to see what happens.

facebook quiz convo

2010-08-27T01:53:00.000-07:00

"Has anyone learned more about yourself than you?" Hilary nagged from the background, "This is, what, your millionth facebook quiz?!" Her laughter lassoed me and forced me to confront her taunting.

"Actually that celebration is next week. Tuesday if you'd like to come. Since you have no draws on your time." I retaliated, receiving only an exasperated sigh. "Seriously though, Hill. If I don't know who I am, how do I know what I'm supposed to do with my life?"

Maybe

2010-08-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

it was always a maybe,

there was always a chance,

it hurt, but I smiled somehow

I am a fallback but she is the now

and she suites him much more than I

he was always my dream

but, it seems, only sky high

I smile when I look at her

jealousy dispersed when I realized

she's his nothing more than everything

Well I figure I might as well start this up again...

2010-07-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

Who knows how often I will use this, I know I don't. I'll make plans to update every week or something, but the truth is I'll only really ever post when it matters. The reason I have a blog is the same reason a lot of people have journals, I don't have anyone else to talk to. There is only one person I trust with all of my secrets and downfalls and drama, the only person I think can take it and wont get mad at me for it. That's God. The next best thing I have is Ninja. My forever best friend! And I can tell her almost everything I tell him. But there is no other human in the world I can tell half that stuff to. So, I resort to blogging.

Yes, I know this is like telling the world. But truth is, I don't care who knows what or how they know or if they even want to know. I don't like having secrets. By blogging I can tell everyone how I feel and what's going on without forcing them to listen to me. I despise being the friend who always calls to freak out about things, but with my best friend that's how it usually turns out. And that's not cool. So, to spare my friend some minutes, I'm blogging. If she wants to read and has time, she can. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to. And it gets it all out of my system. No one is forced to read this.

Topic of the day: Jeremy Bradford- The love, The fear, The only.

I attacked Jerry the other day. It was a spur of the moment wal-mart trip gone haywire. I positioned a dragon in his tree, a killer robot on his porch, security trip wires all around and exactly 100 land-mines in his front yard. Obviously he wasn't killed because he lived to talk to me that night. And the next day. And an attempt to talk to me the next.

I'm ready to scream....I've already done a bit of that, but right now I'm am ready to run outside screaming at the top of my lungs until this feeling goes away.

It's been this way for weeks. He reposted something that he had posted on his blog FOREVER ago on my facebook without even truly knowing the post was about him. Though, it was, every indecisive and love pondering post is about him. BUT HOW SHOULD HE KNOW!? george...I think that kid is psychic or something.

I can't get myself to calm down. My stomach is stuck in unending knots, the mention of his name forces me to spit out words faster than an auctioneer and sends me into a nervous panic. Beth mentioned kissing him just last night and all the sudden it was like the world was on fire, I couldn't hold still and everything was much too close. That forced me on an hour long walk and some deep stargazing. Which really did nothing for me because music and stars are just a couple more of the things I've devoted to his name. But hey, it's all cool. I'm just having a hard time comprehending it. How long has it been since I've seen him? At least 7 months. Talked to him 6ish. Thought I was over him, 1. And that's all it took to send me "spiraling down".

How am I going to get rid of this feeling? Exercise? Helpful, but you can only do so much. Video games/Telivision? Gets boring too fast. Writing? Good for a moment, but it just causes me to dwell on it even more later. Actually seeing him? .....I hate my logical brain.

I need to see him. Talk to him face to face. Actually see if what I always imagine is there...really is there! But can I manage to pick of the phone? Not yet. Why? I don't know.

GAH!

here?

2010-06-28T14:18:00.001-07:00