I haven't really posted anything serious on here for awhile. And I'm not sure if I intend to do so today or not. Today is more of a casual laugh at my past. I have been reading my blog the past few days and I just can't help but scoff at my "strife". I don't know myself as well as I should and for each day that passes I fall farther behind and the trail gets longer.
Some of the harsh truths I seem to realize from re-reading these posts are hard to swallow. I realize now just how desperate I am for both companionship and solitude. In my mind I believe things would be easier if I were all on my own. Being on my own I could achieve my dreams and get to where I need to be to have the companionship I so desire. But in my heart, every waking moment without another person by my side is a gap between happiness and sheer joy. When I lack love, I lust after it or I chase it by doing something spontaneous and foolish. Henry was my true show of that. In the depths of sorrow and self pity, I captured him for my comfort and, though I have doted on him, I know I wasn't ready for him and that I could have very well ruined both of our lives with my whimsical heart. And that was not my first or last heart-attack (as I so dub my foolish love adventures). But I pushed this one to it's envelope...and everything worked out, as everything in life always does. Something I never really believed, but this time i didn't give up and it proved true. I can't help but regret not trusting that in the past, because if I had known that everything would always work itself out, I would have stayed as long as I could with the ones that I loved. I wouldn't have feared my ineptitude. I might have even started to trust myself. But it wasn't until Henry that I truly believed that and I am relieved that I discovered it with Henry instead of my usual prey...
Men.
Which is a large and poorly scripted part of my life that I wish I could rip out of my biography. There was a point right after high school when I discovered something that changed my whole mind set. I used to be so interested in the world, the way it worked, the future, God and religion and how I fit in. There used to be so much mystery in the world to me. But when I thought it through, I realized that the reason for our existence is love. We were born for it and family is the ultimate purpose of that love. It explains everything and embodies everything. And the things I was doing were pushing that very purpose away (not that I remedied that with anything I changed or did...in fact only made it worse). I decided I would change and get my life straight and start believing in love.
I wasn't ready for love.
I got my life in order and I fell in love, but I never could believe in it. It's really hard for me to trust anyone...or even myself. I could never trust Jeremy. Kent scared the sh*t out of me, he could see me and he seemed to know me better than I knew myself...and he still loved me. With all my faults, the ones he glazed over, I couldn't love myself so how would he ever stay in love with me. I couldn't do right by him, I made one mistake after another and did things I knew I wasn't ready for because I loved him and I wanted everything we could be in that moment. He was so still in his life, a rock on the side of the road that was in-between destinations and he was perfectly happy as such. Changing was foreign to him and he refused to round his corners and roll out to his sunset rather he would wait for it to reach him. He was always there. Always there for me. I came to trust that....and in the end....that's what drove me away. I depended on him and that and when things came up that threatened to move me from his rock a fear crept inside of me, I couldn't loose him, but if something happened...I could trust that everything would work out...or I could run away. I trusted Kent, but I couldn't trust myself not to mention God.
So I ran, without giving him a good reason or even really a reason at all. I spilled out concerns and age old nitpicks. But I only loved one third of the relationship. I loved him. I didn't love God or myself. And there was nothing he could do or was doing to change that. My relationship with him had pushed me out of that order and not in a good way. Not in a way I could handle and not in a way I could trust. I couldn't lean on myself or on God. All I had was him...I was dependent on only him...and that wasn't enough.
I love being self sufficient and I hate being dependent. But I am certainly not in control of myself and my life, leaving me dependent. Yet, I refuse dependence whenever possible. All of this leaves me in this no-man's-land that is getting me no where. I see now that I am just a selfish dependent as the combination. An ugly urgul-like morphing that leaves me ashamed of everything I do.
These last few years have been just such. A prolonged pity party, where all of the rage-cooked meat is gone and all that is left is the twice-too-sour lemonade. The guests have either left, are leaving or are sitting in the corner shaking their heads waiting for me to push them out myself. I complain about the music, but I never change it and when others try I yell and throw things. I mean, seriously, this is the worst party I've every been too. AND I'M THROWING IT. Sheesh.
(...and this is why I am supposed to write on my blog. This is what I'm supposed to write. This is what DFIS is all about. Never loosing sight of your inner voice. Because, Hey Inner Voice, you are way smarter than the grey beard I've got upstairs. It's like gandalf the grey verses gandalf the white, the latter is clearly better!)
I'm still not ready for love. There are still things I can't understand or refuse to. I still don't completely love myself and I certainly haven't patched up myself with The On High yet. But I'm getting closer and now I trust that things will always work out, no matter how retarded I am. And so why should I keep hiding and waiting. I'm not ready for love in it's fullness, but I can take steps with it. And steps are what I'm taking. Henry was a foolish leap, but it was just enough to give me the faith to take more steps.
I can't have a husband and a family, an amazing realtionship with God and self worth to match myself.
But I don't have to wait to receive them as a bulk package, I can start picking and assembling the pieces.
So here goes.
Wish me luck.
And if there are readers out there, please shout out to my stupid pity posts. I'm sick of this lemonade.
